A Double Standard

Let’s talk about something that has always pissed me off, the way society handles people in crisis. The best comparison I can think of is If an elderly person with Alzheimer’s cusses someone out, hits them, or has a full-blown meltdown, people rush in with concern. “Oh, they don’t know what they’re doing.” They get support, understanding, and medical intervention. But when an autistic person, especially a teen or adult, has the exact same reaction, suddenly it’s a problem. They’re seen as aggressive, disruptive, even dangerous. Instead of getting help, they get punished. Schools suspend them, workplaces fire them, and in far too many cases, law enforcement gets involved.

Why is it that Alzheimer’s is met with compassion, but autism is treated like a crime? Why do we recognize that one group can’t control their reactions while expecting the other to just "behave better"? The double standard is infuriating, and it’s not just about perception, it’s about real, life-altering consequences.

A big part of the problem is how society views these conditions. Alzheimer’s is seen as a “loss” of ability. Because the person used to function differently and is now declining, there’s built-in sympathy. Society sees their outbursts as something happening to them. Autism, on the other hand, is viewed as a difference rather than a decline. Many people assume autistic individuals, even those with high support needs, have control over their reactions but are simply “acting out” or “misbehaving.” This misunderstanding leads to punishment rather than support.

The reality is that autistic meltdowns are not the same as tantrums or defiance. They are the brain’s response to extreme stress, dysregulation, or sensory overload. They are not a choice, just like an Alzheimer’s patient’s reaction isn’t a choice. But while society recognizes Alzheimer’s behaviors as medical symptoms, they often see autistic behaviors as willful disobedience.

The way society handles crisis situations is drastically different based on who is experiencing them. When an elderly person with Alzheimer’s lashes out, the response is often medical intervention. Doctors are called. Their environment may be adjusted. Medications are considered. Caregivers are trained in de-escalation. When an autistic person has a meltdown, the response is often law enforcement. Schools suspend them. Workplaces fire them. Police escalate the situation, sometimes leading to arrests or worse. This is especially dangerous for autistic individuals of color, who are disproportionately criminalized when in distress. Instead of being treated as someone in need of help, they are seen as a threat.

It’s not just autistic individuals who suffer from this double standard, entire families carry the weight of these biases. Parents are judged and blamed. If an elderly person with Alzheimer’s lashes out, people blame the disease, not the family. But if an autistic child or teen has a meltdown, the parents are accused of bad parenting, spoiling them, or not disciplining them enough. Parents are constantly walking on eggshells, trying to prevent meltdowns while facing judgment from outsiders who don’t understand.

Siblings often feel forgotten or overwhelmed. The constant stress of managing meltdowns can lead to siblings feeling neglected or even resentful. In a family where one child’s needs require constant attention, siblings may feel like they are always put on the back burner. The emotional toll is real, and without proper support, it can fracture family relationships.

Partners and extended family struggle to understand. Many parents of autistic children, especially those with behavioral challenges, face relationship strain because their partner or other family members don’t fully grasp that the behavior isn’t intentional. They may see the autistic individual as being manipulative, willfully disobedient, or in need of stricter discipline when in reality, they need support, regulation tools, and understanding. This misunderstanding can create rifts between partners, cause tension with grandparents, and lead to isolation from those who don’t “get it.”

Families live in a constant state of stress. Imagine having to constantly predict every possible trigger, avoiding situations that might cause a meltdown, or always being on guard for an unexpected crisis. Parents and caregivers of autistic individuals with high support needs don’t get a break. The stress can be exhausting, isolating, and emotionally draining.

The expectation that families should just "fix" the problem without systemic support is why so many parents burn out. Instead of being met with empathy and resources, they’re often met with judgment, strained relationships, and a lack of help from the very systems that are supposed to support them. Schools, workplaces, medical providers, and law enforcement have little to no training on autism, meltdowns, or sensory distress. Instead, there’s a reliance on outdated ideas, the idea that people should always be able to “control” themselves, the assumption that aggression equals criminal intent, and the belief that compliance is more important than understanding.

Meanwhile, the same systems extend grace to those with Alzheimer’s. They receive care teams, accommodations, and an understanding that their actions are not within their control. However, families of autistic individuals are left to navigate judgment, fear, and isolation, often without the proper support or resources they need.

This isn’t just about fairness, it’s about safety and human rights. Autistic individuals deserve the same compassion and care that people with Alzheimer’s receive. Crisis response needs to shift from law enforcement to trained professionals who understand autism, meltdowns, and sensory distress. Schools, workplaces, and medical providers must be educated on how to support autistic individuals rather than punish them. Policies must change to ensure that neurodivergent individuals are protected from criminalization simply for experiencing distress. And families should not have to fight alone to get the right support for their loved ones.

People with autism are not choosing to have meltdowns any more than a person with Alzheimer’s is choosing to have cognitive decline. Both deserve understanding, support, and dignity. Until society recognizes that, autistic individuals, especially teens and adults, will continue to be unfairly punished for simply existing in a world that wasn’t built for them. And that’s not just a failure of policy. That’s a failure of humanity.

And let’s not forget the families behind them. Families should not have to live in constant fear, stress, or judgment simply because they are raising or supporting someone who sees and experiences the world differently. They should be met with compassion, resources, and support, not shame and isolation.

It’s time for change. It’s time for compassion. It’s time to end the double standard.

Have you or your family experienced this? Let’s talk about it in the comments, because nothing changes unless we demand it.

I see you, you aren’t alone.

xoxo,

Amy